Tuesday, September 9, 2008



What did I say about enjoying so much doing the safety instead than competing?
I take it back. Safetying at a static competition is the most boring business I’ve ever been involved in. I even had more fun in school, during the math classes.

The only few highlights consist in the (unfortunately few) sambas and bo’s.

Danish Sofus had the funniest samba I’ve ever seen. If somebody has pictures or a video about that, please send it to me. You’ll be rewarded. He still got a white card.

Teammate Henning also had a samba, a cute one, but not as funny. Another white card.

Kiwi Ant had a black out, throwing the chance of a medal. I was co-judging his performance (it’s just a funky way to say I was a timekeeper), and since I have a soft spot for him, seeing his BO filled my eyes with tears. But I restrained myself from crying, since I still have a reputation to maintain. I’m a well known unsympathetic bitch.

Sweet Liv had a red card for doing the protocol to the coach Rob. In a way I can understand why she’d rather see his friendly smile than Judge Bill Nordic frozen stare. But she should have restrained herself for few seconds.

Italian Davidino, also known as the Bimbo, did a happy 5 thirthysomething on what looked like a passive exhale. Here you see him just before his top

Lotta entertained the whole pool (except the athletes that were trying to prepare for their performances) with one of her famous pre-performance breakdowns. For unknown reasons she got very upset with her coach Sebastian, and everybody could hear her yelling and crying until 2 minutes before her official top. She resumed the yelling and the crying as soon as she did her SP, after 5.30.
Coach Sebastian handled that very well. He stayed, and didn’t run away as many would have done. But later on he displayed post-traumatic shock symptoms.
Doctors feared he would develop a condition that affected most of Lotta’s coaches in the past years, known as the Ericson Syndrome, of which the scientists didn't find a cure yet.
Sebastian cured himself the day after with a static performance done as opener, after which he had his usual samba, which burned few of the short memory cells, thus forgetting the traumatic episode, and now he looks happy again.

Speaking about syndromes, Safety Alex got one too. It’s called Countdown Syndrome, and it’s affecting those that soon after their Judge course are put with a microphone at the side of the pool, doing the official countdown for the competition. His very first countdown. He did look a bit worried. He was briefed properly, but something must have happened, and he messed it up completely. He was quickly replaced with Judge Susan, and since then he’s been seen walking aimlessly around the pool mumbling numbers to himself. Sometimes he snaps back to consciousness and he sits at the restaurant eating a hot dog.

Here you can see him after one of these rare moments

I wish I had a result list here with me, but I don’t so I have no clue about most of the other performances, and especially about the overall results. The only thing I know is that the Greek are first, 23 points ahead of the French.
I just sent Rob the King to look for a list to steal. Knowing the guy I doubt he can get himself to steal anything. But since he’s a lawyer, I’m hoping his real nature kicks in, and he’ll finally get mean and sneaky like any worthy lawyer.
Actually this reminds me that I already broke the promise I made him less than half hour ago. I promised I was going to be nice to him for the whole day today, since he allowed me to use his computer and his aircon to write the blog.
On the other hand, he should know better than expecting me to be nice.
Oh well, since I started this, I’m going to add something. Ever since Greek Stavros left Rob’s room and went in the other hotel with the rest of the safety, Rob, feeling very lonely, has been sleeping with a wetsuit placed on one side of his double bed, unfolded in a human-like figure. I’m not the only witness to it. Guillaume saw it too (and don’t ask me what Guillaume was doing in his room, because I do not know).

The swimming pool, which temperature is probably above the mid thirties, to which we refer affectionately like the pissing pool, is a soup of human fluids, snot, spit, body hair, toenails (Sara and Anna have been spotted pedicuring on the pool edge) and bacteria. You look at it, and you get an ear infection.
I had this conversation with some people, and I found out people pee in the pools. I couldn’t believe that.
Call me naïve, but I didn’t know that people are actually relieving their bladders in swimming pools. I always believed the story of the chemicals that make the water red if you pee in it. Once I even had a nightmare about that: I was in a pool with my waterway model 2 (good old times!), and I couldn’t hold it anymore and without being able to control it, I did it. The water did become all red. I wanted to die. Everybody noticed and wanted to hurt me, so I got out and started running. I got on the street with my car key ready to drive away as fast as I could. And my car wasn’t there. Somebody stole it. I woke up all shaky.

About the pedicure, here's some proof

And guess who's foot is this

Yes, it's his: British David King, the most famous transexual in the freediving community.

The French coach saw him and got all excited. Here's a pic of him while is "coaching" Guillaume before his performance.

In order to deal with the pool temperature, the Nordic athletes (Finnish, Danish and Swedish) all showed up with dozens of water bottles containing half frozen water. The coaches were pouring the water on the athletes’ heads during the performances, and obviously it worked, because they were still able to do their usual good times.

One thing that doesn’t have anything to do with the static competition: yesterday morning I was out diving, and after a while British Stuart (member of the UK team, and former student of mine), showed up with not one, but two noodles. Was that a new technique to impress girls?
Oh, now I get it! It must be one of the symptoms of the Noodle Syndrome!

Swedish Hot Johan has apparently the same condition: Swedish team mate Weine has been walking around all morning with a big dick drawn on his back by Johan. It all happened in their room, on Weine’s bed…
Johan, if you read this please contact me. No, it’s not because I want one of your drawings, but remember you want a better picture for your Hotties Challenge? Don’t worry, I have the epilady for you.

Well, enough for today, I’m off diving with Rob and his noodle. Maybe I’ll get to sit on it for a while.


Finally i got a better picture of Johan. here we go

Ops, sorry, i got confused. I meant to put this one:



Linda ... remember, you can be treated. Acupuncture is for you. It is not too late !!!

By the way ... are you feeling better with your back ?

Tuo francese ...

Miss you two


Nanja said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nanja said...

Little mistake...

I just wanted to say i love this blog



noname said...

linda, i am officially naming you the funniest blog writer on the net!!! (if only the swedish bitches writing about fashion and "todays outfit" could learn something from you, the world would be a better place).
dont get too happy now, cos im also naming you the worst sms and email answerer on the planet!!!(if only you could learn something from the swedish bitches who have their mobiles glued onto their bodies, the world would be a better place)